Sunday, November 8, 2009

Peace

It's 11am on a Sunday morning and I'm not at church. Feels weird to be sitting in a quiet house. Usually our home is filled with the sounds of family. Three children playing hide and seek, or squabbling over toys, or singing songs, or dumping out legos. And of course there are the sounds of a little baby banging her toys on the floor, or blowing raspberries, or begging to be picked up. The quiet feels strange. Kind of nice, but kind of lonely.

I've been using my time this morning to relax. K is sick, and has been sleeping all morning. I should probably be doing housework, as there is plenty to be done. But technically it *is* the day of rest, so I decided to honor that (mostly...I did have to start the laundry and unload the dishwasher and pick up a little).

For the last hour or so, I've been working on a sewing project. This project has several small pieces to be sewn together, and then I have to use a little tool to turn a bunch of stuff right side out. And so I've been sitting on the couch, listening to the great talent of David Nevue, turning fabric, and thinking. Thinking is dangerous for a mom who rarely gets a moment alone in her home.

My mom and I were talking on the phone yesterday about how lately our spirits just don't seem settled. I am so much like my mom in so many ways, and we are both thinking about and planning for and stressing over the upcoming holidays. She shared with me how busy her days have been lately, and how busy they will continue to be for the next few months, and BOY could I relate! I feel like every day we are going going going. Our gas tank is perpetually empty (as is my envelope that is supposed to contain gas money). Even in those brief moments that I sit down to relax, my heart feels unsettled. Not peaceful like I want it to feel. Always reeling with the next thing, or concern over a friend, or worry over the children, or just not feeling settled because of the business of life.

And as I sat here today, turning fabric and thinking about my unsettled heart, I began to try to figure out how I could fix it. What would it take for my heart to feel at peace? Maybe working just a little longer and a little harder to get things done? Maybe getting up a little earlier or staying up a little later? Probably not. Probably those things would just make me even more exhausted and burnt out.

So I think and ponder and wonder, and eventually, the answer comes to me. The simplicity of it almost embarrasses me. Such an easy answer, why didn't I think of it before? Because I was too busy. I was too busy trying to figure it out on my own. I was too busy trying to fix it myself.

So I hit my knees. I talk to the One who brings peace that passes all understanding. The only One who can calm my spirit. The One who gives peace because He IS peace.

When I get up, and brush the crumbs off of my knees, I feel refreshed. I feel a river of peace washing over my heart.

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