Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Undeserved.

On days like this, I want to run away.

Nothing I do is good enough. Even though I spend 2 hours cleaning, the microwave is still dirty, and of course that is what gets noticed. Even though I spend $100 at the grocery store, and stock up on nearly everything, I forget batteries and today someone needs batteries. I get up at 5am, and even though I have an hour and a half before the kids get up, I still don't crack open my Bible. I yell at the kids, I yell at the husband, I want to punch a wall.

On days like this I want to run away. I want to go somewhere that nobody cares if the floor is mopped. I want to just be alone with nobody feeling disappointed in me.

The problem with that is that I will always feel disappointed with myself. I will always know that even though I swept the floor, there are still dust bunnies under the couch. And even though I cleared 3 garbage bags of junk out of the house, there are still 6 more closets to sort through. And even though I love my husband, I screamed at him and acted mean and unloving. And I'll see the eyes of my kids as they wonder why mommy isn't being nice today.

I feel like a constant disappointment. A disappointment as a wife, a disappointment as a mother, a disappointment as a friend, a disappointment as a daughter, a disappointment as a sister, a disappointment to myself, and most of all a disappointment to my God.

And then this. Love freely given. Undeserved.

"For we also were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saves us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to his mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life." Titus 3:3-7

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